This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Christmas 2017

I was so spoiled this year!  Hand made gifts from my 2nd and 6th grader.  Handmade gorgeous painting from my first born, now an adult.  Those gifts are truly my favorites!  My 8 year old was so excited to be preparing his gifts!  It was cuter than cute to witness.  My 11 year old was quiet but knew I would love her handmade present!  I know my oldest had put a lot of time and love to make my gift.  I was not aloud to enter bedroom for over a month!

Looking at my Christmas tree, it came to my mind that when I lost Lily, I also lost that kindergarten Christmas handmade ornament that I've collected from all my children on the year that they were 5.  I lost all the other love filled hand made ornements that would have followed in the years after. 

Of course, this is only a small detail in our lives on this earth. I will not bring any of these adorable keepsakes with me when I'm gone.  They won't matter. I simply wonder what colors she would have picked, what her personal touch would have been.  How her handmade gifts would have turned out.

But I also received a special ornement from my mother this Christmas!  Every year, my mom gives each one of us a Christmas ornement to add to our tree.  It was so thoughtful of her to give me one with Lily's name on it.  It really means a lot to me that my girl was remembered this way.

Merry Christmas in Heaven baby girl!  Until we meet again and you show me the colors that are yours...

Friday, September 01, 2017

The first day of school

Today was the first day of the school year.  None of us felt like going back.  Back to school, back to a routine. Farther away from beautiful and warm summer weather, away from unstructured, laid back, adventurous and fun summer vacation.

And right on spot for the "could haves", "would haves" and "should haves".  It's hitting me that things could have been so different if Lily was here. 

But unlike many, I'm relieved that she doesn't have to go to school. Heaven is so much better!  I like thinking it's like never ending summer vacation at the beach.

I still miss her presence, what she would've brought to our family.  I would have enjoyed watching her grow and learn new things just like I do for her siblings.  It's truly a blessing to be part and witness the growth children go through in life!  But I'm happy she never will experience the dull and difficult things we all have to go through here on Earth, only never ending heavenly peace.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

The first sunrise

A courageous, tenacious, smart and funny man passed Saturday afternoon.  All his life he battled Cystic Fibrosis.  He was sick, he got better, he was sicker, got better again and so it went on. He got married to one of my high school friend and he invented a machine to help the breathing of people who had Cystic Fibrosis.  But above all, he loved Jesus and he knew with no doubt where he was going.

His sister Marie had passed also when she was very young and I must have been around the age of 7? I remember going to her funeral and I remember feeling so sad for her parents, I can't remember the details but I must have heard, seen and felt  how devastating her loss was to them and also to her brother.   I even remember one of the songs they played at her funeral, every time I hear it, I think of her.

When Lily died, I wish I had thought of capturing the sunrise, her first sunrise in Heaven.

So Sunday morning I happened to wake up early enough to be able to sneak out of bed after nursing Lei back to sleep and I went to capture my friend's first sunrise.  Had I been a few minutes earlier, it would have been glorious as I could see the colors fading as I approached the view point.

I can't say we were close because we were not.  But I prayed for him and his family while he was waiting for a second lung transplant.  I know that those who were close to him will miss him tremendously because you just can't move on and not notice his absence.

I am heartbroken for his parents and his wife.  I know they grieve with hope because he is healed now and he is well.  I know they have faith and they know he has just gone before.  But Louis' absence still hurts and I know the grief they will face everyday.

Matt Hammitt--This is Grace

The reason for our suffering
Is to help us realize
That in sickness and in death
We are helpless without Christ
And the reason for our blindness
Is for Jesus to open our eyes
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

This is grace, this is grace
When we walk through the dark night
This is grace, this is grace
So we wait for the sunrise
How I long for the sunrise

Your glory has always been shining
Since the beginning of time
But in the face of darkness
How radiant Your light
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

This is grace, this is grace
When we walk through the dark night
This is grace, this is grace
When we wait for the sunrise
How I long for the sunrise

And the one's who are marked by suffering
Are the one's who have found their Joy
To be conquerors in all these things
Struck down but not destroyed
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

This is grace, this is grace
When we walk through the dark night
This is grace, this is grace
So we wait for the sunrise

This is grace, this is grace
When we walk through the dark night
This is grace, this is grace
So we wait for the sunrise
And I have faith the sun will rise

Sunday, April 09, 2017

His Grace and Comfort and how we celebrated year 5

I've had a busy week.  Every morning, I felt like staying in bed.  I knew today was coming.  I can't complain, despite the cloudy and rainy forecast we had for the whole week, not a day went by that we couldn't go out for a walk or play outside.

My amazing friend and neighbor came twice during this week and helped me get out the door with my 2 youngest. Perhaps she felt it, perhaps not, but I'm sure she doesn't know how much I needed her to be there and how much I appreciate it!

I received an email from 2 of my friends who wanted to let me know they were thinking of me and Lily as her birthday was coming.  How thoughtful of them!

This past week I also had the honor to be another friend's official birth photographer!  It was a night filled with beauty and life, it was wonderful!  I had prayed that my friend would have a peaceful, uneventful delivery, the delivery experience she longed for and the Lord answered our prayers.

This year is the first time I was not awake at the time of Lily's birth.

This morning, when I woke up it was snowing and again, I felt like staying in bed.

As usual, my beautiful baby girl was by my side sound asleep and again, I felt so in love and so blessed!  Yet, I waited for her to wake up and dragged myself out of bed.

When I saw I could write Lily's name in the snow, I did.

Today was like a typical Saturday, with a couple things on my "to do" list, including decorating Lily's cake. 
When I opened my e-mails, I received the most thoughtful and beautiful words from a friend in Switzerland!  That was really amazing!

I had a lot of trouble focusing and getting things done today. 

Then my sister posted a photo of her name!  I was really, really surprised because I had no expectations from my FB friends or from my family!  I loved her idea so much that I reproduced it for the cake for which I had no clear plan yet.

My friend Souphaly also posted a special image on my timeline to let me know she remembered.  That was so very kind and sweet!

Other Birthday wishes from my friends:

--"Thinking of beautiful Lily today."  Cindy

--"Special thoughts Lily on your angel anniversary." Heather

--"Big hugs for you and thoughts for your precious Lily"  Cynthia

--"Have fun Lily with Myléna and Samyra...Happy Birthday sweetheart."  Jessica

I am so grateful for my sweet and thoughtful friends and for my family!

My children are getting so grown up...  I have 2 teenagers and my oldest is an adult!  And we couldn't be all reunited for supper or for the cake.  We were almost done when my oldest exclaimed: "The sky is pink! The sky is pink!"  In a couple seconds we were all three girls outside taking pictures of that amazing sunset!  God painted the sky pink tonight.  To me, it' Him letting me know that He has not forgotten me nor my baby girl.  That I have it all in Him. His love, grace and comfort have been all around everyday this week and that is just so amazing!

We blew a candle after this but since I couldn't take photos with good light and it was late, we didn't have cake and had cupcakes instead.

And here is a photo  took the next morning...  I don't like how the color turned out, so for fun, I edited them and changed them!

Tuesday, April 04, 2017

Remembering Lily, year 5

Lily's birth day in Heaven is in less than a week!  She would have turned 5...It's surreal that she would be learning her ABC's and going to school next Fall.

I would love to remember other children who will be celebrating with her in Heaven by writing their name and birth date.  If you would like me to write your child's name you can comment under this post or on the event on FB

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of 'Camp Complaining'
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone (or prayer can do alone)
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To 'thank' is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
eXalting God most high
Yes, there will be bad times
and there will be good, but
Zion waits in glory . . .
where none are ever sad!

-Author unknown

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3