This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Day 14 Capture Your Grief

Day 14:-Community

In my local community, there was no event or gathering organised on October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I decided, a little more than a month ago to try to create a Remembrance Banner to honor my babies and other families babies short lives.  In all, I have been able to write 26 names of precious babies.  I was humbled to be able to write every name with love...

Day 8-9-10-11 Capture Your Grief

Day 8:-Jewelery-

This is a pendant that made for me with the picture (scan) of Lily's footprint.

On day 8, it just so happened to be Lily's 6th month birthday in heaven.

                                                              Day 9:-Special Place-

I wasn't quite sure what I would share for this one.  I decided on what makes me the happiest, home with my husband and children.

                                                                   Day 10:-Symbol-

Lily was born on Easter Morning and Easter lilies just are a perfect symbol. Also, I'm not quite sure why, but everytime I see a butterfly I think of her and it seemed that butterflies were everywhere last spring! Lily's oldest sister draw these last summer on her younger sister's arm and on her own♥
Day 11: Supportive Friends and Family

  My children get me out of bed every morning. And I also have to mention how my husband who has been my rock from the first day we were told Lily would die up until now.  He bears with my lack of focus and the fact that I lost alot of intrest in what would keep me busy most of the time (aside from my kids).  It seems parts of me died with Lily... 
 My family supported me when drs said there was no hope, when it got tuff, they were there to help. Family and friends prayed and still do. My beautiful sister who took pictures at Lily's birth. My friend Audrey, she is always there to listen to me. Hubby's coworkers showed sympathy and generosity, but what touched me the most is that perfect strangers to me considered Lily as a precious baby and not just something that died.
 My midwife was there all the way.
 And my friend sent from above, Jenn, helped me with my grief more than anyone would know.
Not shown in the picture, CH and H support group along with all the others on the web who value the lives of all babies.♥

Tuesday, October 09, 2012


Last weekend was Canadian Thanksgiving.  Usually, at my family meal gathering, we each take a turn saying what we are thankful for.  I was not quite sure what I would say this year.  I have so much to be thankful to God for.  First, this whole journey with Lily has brought me closer to the Lord.  I have learned how important it is to trust Him at all times.  I have experienced His mercy, love and comfort more in 9 months than in my whole life.  Then, my wonderful husband and my precious children, including Lily in heaven.  And for my health, after being so scared for my uterus and the fact that I am still able to nurse my almost 3 year old.  And then all the material things that God says that he will provide for us,(Matthew 6:26), our house is bigger this year and this makes our lives so much easier and peaceful.   I could go on and on and the truth is, I am truly thankful and my heart really wants to praise the One who chose me to be Lily's mommy.  I am still deaply missing my baby every single day but I am so comforted that she is in His glorious presence waiting for us to come Home to her.

Day 7: -What To Say-

I was blessed, looking back, more kind words were spoken to me than harsh ones.  Those written on the picture are just a few of the ones I instantly remembered while I reflected on it.  They touched me and comforted me.

I also have to add: "She's in your heart".  My midwife said this to me when she saw how broken I was handing over to a nurse my precious baby Lily's body.  I still tear up thinking and writting about it.  The memory of Lily is forever in my heart.

When I shared Lily's picture to other babyloss moms I was told: "She's beautiful".  Somehow these moms were able to see her the way I do... Fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalms 139:14


Monday, October 08, 2012

Day 4-5-6 Capture Your Grief

 Day 4 -Treasured Item-

Lily's Footprint:

With Cystic Hygroma and Hydrops, I was not too sure what to expect when I would give birth to my baby.  I also somehow knew that some people are not always promp to think pre-term babies are also beautiful and thought I absolutely needed to have something to remember Lily I could show off without the fear of unkind comments.  I also never took the footprints of any of my babies right at birth and  some I don't have at all!
The edema was so severe that we were able to get Lily's left footprint only, but I am so thankful I have this one and only 2.7 cm print.

Baby Memory Book "Dreams Of You":

I enjoyed and loved writting all I could about my babies growing up!  I looked and looked for a Baby Book that would not remind me of all I was missing on with Lily but rather would enable me to write down and cherish  memories we had made during the short life she had here on earth.  My new awesome friend told me about Sufficient Grace Ministries where I found the precious item I was hoping for.  It is so perfect, I love it!

Ombilical Cord Clip:  I kept all my babie's clips and forgot to take Lily's before leaving the hospital.  A week after, I went to the funeral home where Lily's body was and asked for hte clip.  I almost cried when they handed it back to me.

Pictures:  I took tons of pictures while pregnant (with the help of my 13 year old) and God allowed my brave and loving sister to be there to take photos when I gave birth to Lily.  I cherish having photos to remember this journey with Lily in our lives.

Memories are important with any one of my children that are here with me because they grow up too fast.
Memories of my child who soars are important because this is all I have left of her.
Day 5: -Memorial-

I made a collage of picture for this one.

Memorial Card:

Jeremiah 29:11-  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

When we had the memorial service for Lily, I had made a card with that Bible verse that I still hold on to.  We also made a Memorial Video (youtube:Lily Hope) (I will try to look into adding the link!)

Lily Garden:

We knew the "tradition" calls for flowers at a memorial.  We didn't want flowers that would die and never grow again so my husband had the idea to suggest bulbs of any kind, but if possible lilies.  Co-workers and alot of friends and family that came to the memorial service gave us everything we needed to plant a Lily garden in our backyard.  Many agreed and told me afterwards that this was a good idea.

Lily's Name Photos:

I have a sweet friend who collects pictures of her son's name.  As soon as I saw this, I knew I wanted to start an album of  Lily's name photos.  I don't get to take pictures of Lily growing up and taking pictures of her name makes her real and shows how an important member of our family she truly was.  I included a beautiful picture of Lily's name that my friend Jenn took and sent me.

Lily's Grave Site:

Since we haven't been able to get a headstone yet, I wrote Lily's name today with colorful fall leaves.

Day 6:-What Not To Say-

I was not sure I wanted to share these words.  I was afraid people who said them would think I was resentful or wanted to get back at them.  I will never let anyone know who said these things to me because it is not important.  What is important is that the Bible says that we all make mistakes and that controlling the things we say is very important. (James 3: 1-12)  I am the first to admit I have said many stupid, hurtful things in my life, and most of the time, I did not intened to hurt feelings.  I am sharing as a reminder to everyone including mysef, that we have to be careful at all times about what we say, especially to someone grieving as this person is in a very fragile place in her life.


Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Day 1-2-3 Capture Your Grief

This October for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Carly Marie Dudley created and is hosting a beautiful event called  CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012.  This is a special and wonderful project for parents who have experrienced losing their baby to speak about  their short but precious lives, honour and remember them.  This is a unique way to document and share our grief and healing.  This is also to raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss.
So finally, I am taking some time to include what I have already shared, the first 3 days of October.

 Day 1:  Sunrise 6:44 am Qc, Canada

That one, I was looking at it like a big challenge!  I had no idea at what time the sun was rising at this time of  the year since I have a tendancy to try to sleep or should I say stay in bed as late as I possibly can!  So I set my watch to "wake me up" at sunrise and put my camera by the window the night before.  I think I was excited about this, I woke up before my watch ever beeped!  Well, that morning was a cloudy one, I snaped a shot and went back to bed thinking it was too bad that it was not a memorable sunrise.  It even reminded me about how cloudy and gray the last days had been for me.
But the beautiful bright colors of the fall leaves are like God's promises I hold on everyday, tying to make it through on cloudy, rainy days. Jeremiah 29:11

God has said, "I will never leave you; I will never forget you."  Hebrews 13:5

Day 2: -Self Portrait, Before Loss-
On this picture, I was very pregnant with my 5th child who was born very much alive and healthy. With every pregnancy, I have always dreaded coming home with empty arms, and maybe thinking if I ignored this awfull reality, it would never happen to me. Last April, I lost my 6th baby and came home with empty arms and a broken heart.  Even if I do everything right and healthy, control is just an illusion, the truth is, we don't choose our blessings, we don't choose our hardships. ...In sickness and in death, we are helpless without Christ... "This is Grace" Matt Hammitt

Day 3:-Self Portrait, After Loss-
This picture was taken a little over a month after giving birth to Lily. My first lily flower had just bloomed in our Lily garden. I remember thinking of Lily healed and well in Heaven to try to hide my pain when I had to smile for pictures.  I was still a mother to living children who needed me to smile and who truly made me want to smile. This grief journey has been a mix of  tears and smiles because our lives were still going on.  I have alot to be grateful for and this helps me smile now...

"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3