This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

My Easter Lily

Last year, I came home at around 6:30 am on Easter morning.  Only  a few hours earlier, I had given birth to my precious Lily and within that same period of time I had to part with her, and let go of her lifeless and damaged, so very damaged little body.  That morning, sitting on the couch, I grabbed my daughter's baby doll, squeezed it in my arms and cried, I cried so hard...  I went to bed with an empty womb but I swear I could still feel her.  My arms were aching, my heart was broken in thousands of pieces.

Waking up this morning, my arms still ache, I miss her so much.

This morning is the morning the tomb was found empty, Jesus had risen, He had been stronger than death.  Two days before, He had died, suffered and paid the price for my sins. He died and rose to give me hope.  He welcomed my Lily Home last year, some time between Friday night and Saturday morning.  She is safe now and healthy, oh how I long to see and hold her again!...

Even though the dates are not the same, Easter is still the weekend my child died, the weekend I delivered her and said good bye, the weekend in 2012 where "Empty Womb" rhymed with "Empty Tomb".

I give thanks this year because of the hope I have to see Lily in Heaven again, for the hope and joy that God filled my womb with. Thank you Lord for all your blessings and for the hope you gave to all.

Sunrise, Easter 2013, with a beautiful lily flower, that reminds me of the hope and new Life we have in Christ.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

March 20, 2013

Today, a year ago, we were told our baby was going to die.  We were told to terminate my pregnancy.The first thought I had waking up was: I hate today, I wish today had never been...

My good friend invited me over with my son to have a play date... it did help my struggle with today, I am very thankful...

Then, I had to pick up my big boy at school and stop on our way back to the grocery store where on our way out, I saw a bunch of Easter lilies!  None had blossomed yet, but I thought they were so beautiful!  I snapped a pic...

There was beauty in today, just like there was beauty in every day my baby girl's heart was beating when I carried her. A year ago, Drs couldn't and never saw the value and the beauty of her short life but I did, her father and siblings did.  I will never see her blossom here, but she lived in my womb and her life was beautiful.

"fearfully and wonderfully made" Ps 139:14

Friday, March 08, 2013

The power of prayer

A month from now, it will be a year since I delivered my silent baby Lily.  Sadly, I don't recall much of the past year.   Honestly, I have been wondering how I got through the way I did.  And then, a beautiful mother told me she was praying for me right around Lily's special dates.  I know of a few who faithfully pray for me and now,  I know how I made it here: PRAYER.  Prayers of close friends, family and loving people that surround me from near and far.

Thank you to all who pray for me, for my family.  This first year journey through grief has been something...  I have no doubt prayer has been powerful for us all through the past year.

Thursday, March 07, 2013

I just have to share...

I haven't written in a long time... I am now 14 weeks pregnant!  With the fatigue and daily nausea and a rough and scary beginning, I just didn't and couldn't write.  Like with all my other pregnancies besides focusing on keeping my food down and taking care of myself, nothing is pretty much happening!

Today I went grocery shopping with my son so he could help me lift and transport groceries from the cart to the car and in the house!  How I love having a boy who is getting so strong and who loves to help me out!  Anyway, I wish I could have focused more on him and me but as I entered the store, I came across "the" nurse.  The sweet nurse who tried to find my baby's heartbeat that Saturday morning where it was just not there anymore... I remember trying to "reassure" her when her face expression changed.  I remember telling her: " You know it was more likely to happen?"  She did of course, I just didn't want her to worry.  She was doing her job, she just happened to be "the" nurse that morning. 

I didn't speak to her, I couldn't.  I don't think she recognised me, they see so many patients, I was just one among others.

I am still shaken.  Today is the 7th.  On the 7th of April, a month from now, it will be a year since that nurse was going across my belly with the doppler trying and trying to find that precious heartbeat.   Seeing the one person who was there the morning I found out my baby was gone brings back memories that hurt and that are so clear, like it was yesterday.
"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3