I know I already wrote about that morning when the nurse couldn't find may baby's heartbeat anymore...
Having to labor and give birth to a sleeping baby is mentally and emotionally really difficult. I didn't know if my baby was a girl or a boy, I had no idea "who" I had been carrying for those 24 weeks and 3 days, I knew I needed to anticipate this to be able to go through it. I wanted to avoid pain medications to give my body the best chance to react "normally". I was well aware though that pains meds could be needed because I was induced, not because the pain would be necessarily unbearable, but maybe my body would not cooperate, my baby could not help and she had very severe edema that didn't do the job a hard healthy skull would do on my cervix .
I had a labor of about 11 hours. My sister was there and was so brave taking all the precious pictures she took.
I had planned to cut the umbilical cord myself. I am grateful I was able to do that. I was so proud when I finally held my baby's little lifeless body. It was confusing because I had the same feelings of happiness and pride holding her for the first time as I did with my other living babies but at the same time, deep deep sorrow knowing she was not here, she would never be, she was gone. I imagined that labor was going to be the hardest part of it all, but I was wrong. Letting go of her little body was the most painful thing I had to do in my whole life. I still can feel Lily in my arms to this day.
God protected me during this delivery, just like He did for all the other ones, where anything could have happened.
Today, being a Sunday, we had some family over for lunch because of Lily. I had made a simple cake to honor her short and precious life.
I also wrote a reference from the Scriptures:
"I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart: I will tell about all the miracles you have done."
Every baby is a miracle even if they live a short life. It is only normal to celebrate and remember. For me, not doing so, would be like saying she was not as precious and valued. I am the mother God chose to carry Lily, mothers carry their children all their lives.
The sky was grey all day but at the end of the day it turned out to be beautiful...