This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Friday, April 05, 2013

On the 5th of April, 2012

On the 5th of April, a year ago, it was a Thursday, my children were off from school and I woke up with plans of taking family pictures.  We were told our baby could die at anytime and I had been inspired to take belly and family pictures by a friend who's baby was also declared fatally ill.  I thought if I was going to lose my baby, I would have made the most memories I possibly could and if my baby was to heal and live, what a nice way to record our journey...

Pictures we planned, pictures we took!  I cherish those pictures now, proof that I did carry Lily, she was here.

Then, during the same afternoon, I started bleeding heavily, my placenta was detaching.  I made my way to the maternity ward where they observed me but where we waited a long time before I was admitted. Her heartbeat was normal. But yet again, I was told I should consider terminating the pregnancy.  This is when I asked if a mother pregnant with a healthy baby would be given the same option.  The answer was quick and clear that no, no, no, she would simply be put on bed rest and monitored.  I made it clear once again that this is how I wanted to be treated, along with my baby, like I was carrying a healthy baby and that as long as my life was not in danger, I would not do anything to end my baby's life.
I had some mild contractions and was wondering if I would labor soon.  But I didn't.  The bleeding had reduced from being in bed.  I remember praying for my baby that night and then thinking she probably was very stubborn and would not give up...

I was so scared about the idea of staying in the hospital for a long time. The young mother with whom I had to share the room, hated the fact she had to share. Her boyfriend was sleeping over every night and was working in the morning. At nine, were told to "shoosh", he had to sleep!  On top of it, they both had a nasty cold and coughed all night.

But what made it unbearable was the fact that I was without my children, without my husband, with the horrible food and the uncomfortable bed.  My two year old was without his mommy, I was still nursing him, I was not able to be with him I knew this was hard on him and felt guilty.  I also felt guilty because deep down, I had a feeling my baby would not survive.  I was starting to wonder if it was worth it, to put my whole family in this unstable situation, and still loosing my baby in the end.  That night, the Lord spoke to my heart and I decided it was worth it.  I told the Lord I would do everything I had to do to carry this baby for as long as her heart would beat.  I decided I would trust that everything would fall in place, God would provide the help needed with life back home.  I had a special peace of mind that night, God would take care of everything, my baby was worth it.

I felt like crying all day remembering today.  It was a hard day.

I am thankful this year I am home with my family, what  a blessing it is to be healthy and home.  I still am afraid I will start bleeding with this pregnancy, even if nothing is pointing to it and I constantly have to remind myself God is in control and he is taking care of this little one.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You..."  Psalm 56:3



2 comments:

  1. Remebering and praying for you Sis! Keep putting your trust in Him! I love you! xx

    ReplyDelete

"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3