This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013

October has arrived, my Rainbow is 1 month old, leaves are changing colors and falling.  At that time last year I was dreading the cold season ahead.  Cold scared me.  Empty trees scared me.  Five months before, I felt the cold like never before coming home with empty arms just hours after delivering.  It was chilly that Easter Sunday morning.  It warmed up but my chest and arms remained cold for weeks. 
But then I participated to the Capture Your Grief 2012 event , where I got to take and share pictures about Lily, she would be included in our memories for a whole month!  This has been so healing.  From then on, I knew I would be capable of facing the cold.  My camera could still capture my love for life, for Lily, for my children for my family.  It could still capture God's love and mercy for us.

So, again this year, I didn't want summer to end.  It was bittersweet, a wonderful pregnancy ended almost at the same summer did but I was happy, my arms were filled my precious  baby boy.  My heart never stopped aching for Lily.  My last perception of birth was still birth and my boy's birth brought back the bliss.  The memory of the heartache having to leave Lily's body was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday.  And it hurt so bad.  A shadow that soared over my pure joy of rocking my rainbow.  After these hard days of grief I consciously tried to avoid thinking about those hard memories in order to focus on my joy in an effort not to blink one second and miss out on those unique and irreplaceable first moments with my newborn. And I did, am and will savour every day. 

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month a time to remember these precious souls that are missed and loved and support moms and dads on the unthinkable journey of grief.   I now am ready to face the season of remembering, I want more healing. I will participate to Capture Your Grief 2013.   And it starts in less than 11 hours...


The sunrise was very different this year.  Last year was cloudy and rainy, inside this is how I felt too.  My loss was like a shadow over my thoughts, smiles, my emotions.  This morning I woke up to the most precious sight beside me; my rainbow baby.  The ray of light and hope that God knew I needed, that my family needed in our lives.  This morning, the sun was shining both inside my home and in the sky.

Every Child Matters

Today, September 30th is Orange Shirt Day.  This day was established to honor those who survived Indian residential schools and remember those who did not.  In recognition of the harm the residential school system did to children's sense of self-esteem and well being, and as an affirmation of our commitment to ensure that everyone around us matters I wore an orange shirt today.  My heart breaks thinking of all those helpless, precious children taken away from their home and thinking of the heartache their mother suffered having a part of themselves ripped off.  Prayers of healing and peace for these families.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

It has been a long time...

It seems like forever that I wrote here.  Summer and my Rainbow baby sure kept me busy!  I think I needed to focus on my growing belly and my other kiddos and my way of doing that was simply not sharing and keeping everything in my little bubble.   And I still feel this way now that my Rainbow is here but I do have some things I wish to share.

As I said, this pregnancy has been one of my main focus this summer.   I simply wanted to enjoy every minute of it, capture all I could think about and remember it always.  When I found out I was pregnant, I had to remind myself that every moment counted because life can be brief and I chose not to let fear be stronger than my joy.  And joy took over!  I had to remember each day to put my trust in the Lord as I thanked Him for my precious baby. 

As my due date approached, at 35 weeks, my middle child had a fever.  It's all it took.  This shook my trust and put a shadow over my happiness and bliss  Days before I gave birth to Lily that same middle child had a fever and needed antibiotics.  I couldn't be there for him because I was put on bed rest at the hospital.  This little harmless childhood virus scared me and took me back to that point in my life where that same child was sick and I couldn't be there for him because his baby sister was sick and about to die in my tummy.  The thought of story repeating itself crossed my mind without my permission and I also was not looking forward for the kids catching it one after the other and myself...  I once again had to fix my eyes on Jesus and pray.  No one else got that virus!  A true relief and blessing!

At 39 weeks I had to go in for an ultrasound, baby was transverse so we planned a version for the next day.  Here I was, in the hospital once again...  Ugh, why??  I hate it there!!  I was planing a home birth, this baby had to turn and be born as planned!  So, praying hard and doing exercises I had found on Google, I got to my version appointment the next day and baby's head was down, high but down!  Praise God!  Little did I know that when the head is still very high, babies that have space like mine, tend to move around...


Still, I had high hopes for a home water birth.  My kids wanted to be there and my oldest was the photographer!  The pool was up in our room, as days went by, orientation visit in high school was done, first day at school and mandatory pictures of that day were taken...I was ready and anxious to hold my little one.  All my worries about the kids being able to be here when labor started were behind when my midwife induced labor at 3:00 pm at home by doing a striping on my membranes, making me drink a natural herb and using the breast pump. I was already at 5cm, I had a few contractions earlier that day.  At 6:00 pm, my midwife checked me to see if baby had dropped with labor, I was at 8cm.  Baby was still very high and my water broke!  So much water!  The main concern was the cord coming out first, this meant an emergency c-section. Oh please Lord, have mercy!   We had a small scare but quickly, my midwife realized that what she felt at the tip of her fingers was the bum!  I believe baby turned when my water broke, all of a sudden, I could feel the head in my ribs!  It all was going so fast, I was scared for my baby, I couldn't get the thought of him dying off my mind.  From that moment on, I was ready to do anything in my power to get him out alive and healthy!  I was transferred by ambulance to the hospital.   That was a horrible bumpy ride, lying on my side, pushing...  At the hospital, I begged not to have to lay down on that flat and cold table.  How was I going to be able to push my breech baby out in that position?  I could hear the heartbeat had dropped and all it took was the Dr telling me my baby was "tired" and I needed to push him out, with or without contractions... so I did...

Lane Noah was born on August 30th, a warm blessed Friday night weighting only 6bls 12oz.  My midwife had to reassure me that he was doing great a couple times.  He didn't cry right away and they took him on a table nearby where I couldn't see him because of all the nurses and Drs around.  But he was here and and alive! Thank you Jesus, thank you for your Grace and Mercy.

"I guess God knew his birth was going to be challenging so He kept him small..." 

My husband and our oldest made it on time to be there by my side and my girl did an amazing job taking pictures!  I was disappointed for my other children who missed it all but in the end, their baby brother was alive and coming home to them.  That same night, we came back home, my arms were not aching anymore, that feeling was priceless.  I was the happiest person on earth!  Little did I know, grief was waiting just around the corner and was about to hit hard.  But that night, that night was mine to breath in and let it fill and heal my wounds.
"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3