This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Capture Your Grief--Day 2: Identity

Day 2:  Identity

Lily Hope Letourneau
April 8, 2012
2lb 2oz, 11 inches.

At 21 weeks, we found out our baby had a fatal condition.  We chose not to find out our baby's gender, we still wanted a surprise.  I felt a strong need to find a name for her, my baby was a human being, her heart was beating, she was alive and breathing through me.  Lily Hope is the name I came up with for a baby girl.  All of our children's names start with the letter "L", she would be no exception! Lily flowers are delicate and fragile, just like her life was, just like life is for anyone.  I latter learned that Lily also meant "purity and innocence".  She was born still, all she ever knew here on earth was our love for her.  "Hope" because this was all we had left.  Hope for a miracle, hope that she would heal, hope that if we had to let her go, she would be safe and healed in Heaven.

Lily's due date was July 28, she would have been my first summer baby.  Little did I know, I would deliver her on Easter morning, that Easter lilies would forever remind me of her, that her middle name would indeed speak of the Eternal hope that comes from our Faith in God..

She weighted 2lb 2oz, measured 11 inches.  She had a cute button nose, blue eyes and very short an very blond hair all over her head.  She had 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes.
Before she died in my womb, she would kick when I would take a shower, I could tell she heard me when I sang and talked to her while I rocked her.

I found out at birth part of who she was; a girl.  But unlike I did with my other children, I didn't get to slowly discover her personality.   I like to imagine that somehow, in heaven, I will get to know her the way I would have here, softly discover who she is, and catch up on time we lost.

But who was she?  I cannot say I knew her but I know she was meant to be who she is now.  She was precious, unique and loved.  She had a purpose, like all of my other children, a gift from God.

We had taken pictures with both gender names we had chosen.  This is hers.

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"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3