This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Wednesday, April 08, 2015

How we celebrated year 3...

The hard part around this time of year for me isn't just on Lily's actual birth day (I think it is never the case for anyone, anyway)  Easter is really hard.  The last day I felt her kick is really  hard.  The day I found out she was gone is also really hard.

So for this 3rd year, I had no inspiration whatsoever on how or what I would be doing to celebrate this special day I delivered Lily.  All I knew is that I  desperately wanted her to be remembered and for her life to be celebrated.   Isn't it any bereaved parent's wish?

But reflecting on this, I think my fear really was that if I didn't say anything, and if it turned out that no one would say anything either, people would assume I was done grieving, that I was over "it"...that there was no need to speak her name anymore.  Yes, I have healed a lot but I want Lily's memory in my daily life.  A happy and blessed memory.  It makes me feel like this was not all for nothing.  The love we gave her while she was here was real and will always be and it was worth it.

The only thing I was sure about was that we were going to have cake (or cupcakes).  I had made it a tradition the past years to make a banana cake and decorate it, including a Bible verse on it that brought me comfort or inspired me.  This year, once again, I was at loss.

Slowly, I decided I would do simple ladybug cupcakes.  I had done a 3d ladybug cake for Lacey's 3rd birthday  so I thought it could be cute.  I chose to do a completely new recipe:  a Banana-Lemon cake.  I Googled it as I always do and surprisingly, I did not find too many of those recipes!  People who know me well, know that I usually like simple recipes and this is what I picked.  I decided I would try to get better at decorating cupcakes and try a new recipe, so I did!

I like to write the reference of a meaningful Bible verse on the cake for this occasion.   I still had no Bible verse.  Had I not read enough lately, was my attention deficient?  So once again, thanks to Google, I found these pretty images on Etsy

The next morning, I woke up to the idea of the Facebook event ( ) where I could remember other children as well as celebrating Lily's life!  The support and love I have received from the babyloss community and from my family and friends is really amazing!

I have decided not long after Lily died that I would capture our life without her, grieving, remembering, celebrating.  The first photos I took were not easy to take.  It felt like jumping off a cliff.  Then, I realized I found comfort and healing in taking pictures of her name or of things that reminded me of her and how big and loving was my God through it all.  So here are the captures of the days surrounding today.

We grilled sausages for supper.  My 2 older boy started the fire!  An easy and effortless meal for me, just what I need on hard, emotional days...

I baked and started forming the ladybugs made of fondant that I would put on the cupcakes a couple days before her actual birth date.

The finished product!

The actual taste of this banana-lemon recipe was interesting...I don't think it would please everyone but those who like lemon (a lot) would probably like it!

Here are the links to  the recipes.  I actually combined 2 recipe because I wanted lemon IN my batter and not only in the icing.

Forgiving Banana Cake, a recipe in which there is lemon in the cake.

Banana Lemon Layer Cake, I used that recipe and modified it by adding the lemon juice & zest and replacing part of the milk by it.  I made cupcakes with it and an actual layered cake. 

On the morning of Lily's birth day, I woke up to the idea of the Facebook event where I could remember other children as well as celebrating Lily's life!  The support and love I have received from the babyloss community and from my family and friends is really amazing!

I asked for pictures of ladybugs (live ones, images in books, stuffed animal ladybug...anything!) and I offered to write the names of other babies in heaven so they could be remembered too.

 I would have written hundreds of them if I would have been asked to...

I loved receiving ladybug pictures as they were tangible images that friends and family took a moment to show me that Lily was not forgotten and that her short life was worth remembering! 

I also received surprise wishes from friends who posted lily flower images on my wall!  How thoughtful and precious of them!  Lily flowers are so beautiful, so sweet and so symbolic for me!

And more photos I took...

  So, this day has come and gone mother heart is filled with sweet peace knowing that her short life was celebrated like every life, no matter how brief deserves to be!

Tuesday, April 07, 2015

You are so loved

You are so loved.
You may not be here in my arms, sweet baby. But...
You are so loved.
Not just by your earthly mom and dad...but by our heavenly Father.
You are so loved.
Dreaming sweet dreams of you, dancing in Heaven, until we meet again.
You are so loved.


Right now, 3 years ago, my children, my husband and I were taking one last look at our baby on the monitor. She no longer had a heartbeat and was going to be held in our arms in about 14 hours. Lily, you are so loved...

Saturday, April 04, 2015

Lost for words

How could I not cry tonight?

Every year I cannot sleep until the time Lily was born.

This happens twice.

The night of Saturday to Sunday on Easter, no matter when Easter is celebrated that year and on the actual birth date on 4-8-12.

So tonight I weep.

There is not much to say.

I miss her.

Friday, April 03, 2015

Our Precious Baby

Isaiah 49:1 "Before I was born the LORD called me. He
knew my name when I was still in my mother's womb"

We chose Lily's name during the next few days following her diagnosis of severe Hydrops in March 2012. We had kept the gender a surprise despite it all, so we had a girl and a boy name written on the white board in our kitchen. Every time I got to listen to her heartbeat, it was strong and there was no way to predict when the fluid surrounding her heart would be too much for it keep going on. Lily was due in July. Little did we know that God would call her Home in April and she would be our "Easter lily" born still on the morning of Easter, the holiday of Hope! 
2 years, 11 months, 3 week and 4 days, after saying "hello" and "goodbye" to our 6th baby, I still believe God has plan for each one of our lives, even those who never took a breath on this side of Heaven. There is so much more I would have loved to write and say on this small stone... but the top line sums it up: 'Notre Bébé d'Amour'  could be translated 'Our Precious Baby'.   Lily was and still is precious and loved. She deserved to be given every chance at life and she deserved to be carried with love and hope.
It comforts me and gives me hope to know that one day, I will hold my baby girl again! The Bible says that when we believe in Jesus Christ and confess our sins, by grace we are saved… Jesus died on the cross for us to give us life…and to give us the hope he rose. Do you have this hope of eternal life in heaven?

Lily's stone marker (& the first snow of 2014!)

Here is one of my favorite Easter song. My kids also love it!
"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3