This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Rainbow pregnancy #2

Here I am, I'm pregnant with my 8th child.  It hit me even more when I called for an appointment with my midwife and the secretary said: "This is your 9th pregnancy, right?"  Nine...what??  Huh, yes, this IS my ninth pregnancy!  My first one was 17 almost 18 years ago.  I had never tested positive and when I miscarried, it took me many weeks to find an answer to what had happened. I was not attached, I had no dreams, I did not know I was pregnant, when I miscarried is when I found out something was going on.  Once I knew, I grieved and never forgot.  But, I never "counted" that baby, except on each pregnancy first appointment where I guess in the papers doctors or midwives have to fill that "how many pregnancies" question.  It sounds unfair to this first little one.  But he or she always silently counted in my heart.

When I found out I was pregnant this time around, I was alone.  I was shocked.  I was scared.  I was longing to feel some joy but fear took over.

The day I found out about rainbow #1, I was numb.  I couldn't feel anything.  I had imagined how happy I would be, like over the moon happy, but I couldn't feel anything for days!

So, this time around I didn't want to have any expectations but I was hoping for joy.

I've come to realise that grief has changed everything, no matter how I desperately want to feel like I did about my 5 first children, a mix of joy, anxiousness, anticipation, excitement...

No. Not happening anymore.  But I already love this little tiny one growing in my womb and I have faith that joy will eventually take over and win.  Just like it did for my first Rainbow.

So, on top of the "all day" morning sickness that is very intense this time around, the unbelievable fatigue, and the bleeding that once again has come and gone, there is the emotional draining. Now is not the time to ask me if I want more children.  This is not a question that ever shocked me, when asked nicely but now is not the time. For many other reasons, I feel this little one is probably my last one.  So, I try to focus on doing everything "right", take the weekly belly pictures that I never took with any of my other children, announcing early in a special way etc.  And yes, I am announcing early this time around too.  Before losing Lily, I could not keep this a secret, I was so happy!  I also oddly had it in the back of my mind that if I was to lose the baby, it would be very hard to have to tell everyone that I miscarried but on the other hand it would be horrible to go through this on our own, kind of like when I miscarried the first time.  So here is our special photo announcement:

Wanting to do everything "right" I went back and forth more than I thought I would with deciding on the concept.  I wanted to include all my children and this is the easiest way I found. I kind of love how Lily left a big empty space between #5 and #7.  It was not on purpose but this is really how it feels. When for some reason, I have to count how many of us there is, making sure no one is missing...every time I feel something is "wrong" , the numbers don't add up!   Or, when I am asked how many children I have, I dread this question, always.

I definitely started imagining our futur with this little one.  He or she is here right now and I celebrate this life!  I know God is in control, He is the One who put life in my womb and trusting him with it and praising him for it is the best thing I can do!

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"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3