This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Diagnosis Day, year 4

On March 20th, 2012, I wish that the doctor would have told me my baby had Hydrops, a condition where fluid builds up in the body and that what she could see on the ultra sound was that it was so severe that it looked like it was keeping her lungs from developing.  That Hydrops is a serious & life threatening condition.  That life expectancy is too often, short for most babies.  That for now, he/she did have a strong heartbeat, that he/she had all 10 fingers and 10 toes.  That having a follow up with a MFM and Geneticist would be necessary to try to find out as much more as we could.  And as much as I personally believe that terminating the pregnancy should be avoided, then and only then, after getting a more precise diagnosis, discussing "options" should have been done.  And, options not only to terminate the pregnancy, but of carrying until birth and having perinatal palliative care options and support.

But instead, today marks 4 years that my daughter, our 6th child was labeled non-viable.  I remember how hearing the doctor say that she was incompatible with life sounded like she was less of a human because of her condition. Those words still hurt and sound like they always did, wrong in every way. My baby had a strong heartbeat, she lived the days that were planned for her.  That was her life and my job was to protect her.  Hydrops did not make her life less important than any of my other healthy children that survived the womb.

Monday, March 07, 2016

He thinks I can

So, for the past 20 weeks, I have been questioning and wondering what had possessed me to get pregnant the same month I had with Lily.  What was I thinking?  I definitely am not strong enough or have not healed enough to go through this pregnancy and find joy.  I am scared all the time!  At first, I was scared I was going to miscarry and never get to see or hold my baby.  Then I was scared we would not hear or find a heartbeat at my 12 weeks midwife appointment.  Next, I was scared something was wrong and that some fatal condition was going to be confirmed on my 20 week ultrasound.  And even before I found out I was pregnant, I thought that we would not be able to conceive quickly this time.  

Well, I was very wrong, with all of the above.  And most of all, I was wrong about making the mistake of getting pregnant at the wrong time!  I just realized that what I thought didn't matter, because God was the one who created this little life and who blessed me with that amazing gift growing in my womb.  I had very little to do with the timing of it all.  God thought that I could do this, that I was strong enough, and that if I wasn't, he would strengthen me! How foolish of me to not trust Him and to not look to Him for strength and confidence and joy!?!

My ultrasound could not have gone better!  God put a very experienced and kind technician on our way.  Seeing my baby on the screen was such a joy!  My baby is so beautiful, I am in aw.  Thank you Lord because he or she is totally healthy and thriving!

In life we are not guaranteed health and bliss. Things can change very rapidly.  The only thing I know I can rely on is God's sovereignty over it all and his everlasting help in trouble.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

I will find joy and peace in trusting Him.

You're gonna hear me, I am here for you

There I was, lying down, awake in the middle of the night.  I could feel you kick baby!  Since I started being able to feel you move, I have enjoyed every one of your kicks.  Lying there, not being able to go back to sleep is not as bad of a thing because of you telling me: "Hi mommy!"

My first ultrasound is just a few days away.  I feel like I can't breath.  It is harder than I thought it would be, to cross the same milestones on the same month as I did pregnant with Lily.  Here I am, in March, about to head to the same hospital, hoping to see a different technician and hoping that March can become a month of joyful news and memories, but terrified it will forever stay as it has been for the last 4 years.  The thought of a doctor telling me that there are issues with your brain or your heart, your kidneys or your diaphragm, your spine or the cord... that you have hydrops, that you will not survive... that thought is unbearable.  All I want to hear and see, is that you are thriving!  But you know what baby?  No doctor is ever going to tell me that your life is not worth fighting for, that your life is worthless without hearing me roar!  I promise.
As far as I'm concerned, you are my perfect baby #8 and I love you so much.  I cannot wait to hold you, to feed you, to look at you, until my eyes fill up with tears because of your unbelievable beauty.

I am now 20 weeks along.   There are only 20 weeks left to seeing and feeling the miracle of my body growing & protecting another human being.  Like I wrote in my previous post, loss really has changed everything and it's a daily struggle to try to accept it and find the positive in it.  The first part has been challenging.  Here's to spending the rest of my pregnancy focusing on the miracle that your life is, precious baby of mine!

"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3