So, for the past 20 weeks, I have been questioning and wondering what had possessed me to get pregnant the same month I had with Lily. What was I thinking? I definitely am not strong enough or have not healed enough to go through this pregnancy and find joy. I am scared all the time! At first, I was scared I was going to miscarry and never get to see or hold my baby. Then I was scared we would not hear or find a heartbeat at my 12 weeks midwife appointment. Next, I was scared something was wrong and that some fatal condition was going to be confirmed on my 20 week ultrasound. And even before I found out I was pregnant, I thought that we would not be able to conceive quickly this time.
Well, I was very wrong, with all of the above. And most of all, I was wrong about making the mistake of getting pregnant at the wrong time! I just realized that what I thought didn't matter, because God was the one who created this little life and who blessed me with that amazing gift growing in my womb. I had very little to do with the timing of it all. God thought that I could do this, that I was strong enough, and that if I wasn't, he would strengthen me! How foolish of me to not trust Him and to not look to Him for strength and confidence and joy!?!
My ultrasound could not have gone better! God put a very experienced and kind technician on our way. Seeing my baby on the screen was such a joy! My baby is so beautiful, I am in aw. Thank you Lord because he or she is totally healthy and thriving!
In life we are not guaranteed health and bliss. Things can change very rapidly. The only thing I know I can rely on is God's sovereignty over it all and his everlasting help in trouble.
I will find joy and peace in trusting Him.