This blog is about love despite a prenatal diagnosis, grief & healing after baby loss, hope, faith, pregnancy after loss and Hydrops Fetalis awareness.

Monday, March 07, 2016

You're gonna hear me, I am here for you

There I was, lying down, awake in the middle of the night.  I could feel you kick baby!  Since I started being able to feel you move, I have enjoyed every one of your kicks.  Lying there, not being able to go back to sleep is not as bad of a thing because of you telling me: "Hi mommy!"

My first ultrasound is just a few days away.  I feel like I can't breath.  It is harder than I thought it would be, to cross the same milestones on the same month as I did pregnant with Lily.  Here I am, in March, about to head to the same hospital, hoping to see a different technician and hoping that March can become a month of joyful news and memories, but terrified it will forever stay as it has been for the last 4 years.  The thought of a doctor telling me that there are issues with your brain or your heart, your kidneys or your diaphragm, your spine or the cord... that you have hydrops, that you will not survive... that thought is unbearable.  All I want to hear and see, is that you are thriving!  But you know what baby?  No doctor is ever going to tell me that your life is not worth fighting for, that your life is worthless without hearing me roar!  I promise.
As far as I'm concerned, you are my perfect baby #8 and I love you so much.  I cannot wait to hold you, to feed you, to look at you, until my eyes fill up with tears because of your unbelievable beauty.

I am now 20 weeks along.   There are only 20 weeks left to seeing and feeling the miracle of my body growing & protecting another human being.  Like I wrote in my previous post, loss really has changed everything and it's a daily struggle to try to accept it and find the positive in it.  The first part has been challenging.  Here's to spending the rest of my pregnancy focusing on the miracle that your life is, precious baby of mine!

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"Children are a gift from God, babies are a reward." Ps 127.3